Delightful Crap!
This is probably the last play I’ll post, it being Christmas Eve Eve and all.
For this play, we were told to write about the proudest moment in our lives.* And to include animals. Originally, this was going to be “Animal Farm Performs MacBeth,” but time prevented me from writing something that clever.
It’s not much of a play, but it seemed like something positive to end these things on.
Please, please don’t read too much into these characters.
Animal Farm Performs The Fall Of Jones
Lights up on a pack of sheep. They are standing around a bucket and chanting “What a to-do, to die today,” over and over again. BOXER, an enormous horse, is seen moving small hay bales into position. BENJAMIN, a mule, is moving along with him but assisting only a little. SNOWBALL, a white pig, wanders on and looks about. SNOWBALL has a handkerchief and a few bits of tartan about him in a makeshift costume. Several other animals are rushing about, and things are generally chaotic.
SNOWBALL
I think that’s good enough, Boxer. You’ve got to get ready to perform, you know.
BOXER
All right. (pause) Snowball.
SNOWBALL
(already looking elsewhere) Yes, Boxer?
BOXER
What is it I’m supposed to say again?
SNOWBALL
You say “This strike is for all Animal kind,” and that’s when you pretend to kick me in the head.
BOXER
Right. And when do I say that?
SNOWBALL
Right after I say, “This land is mine, and all you creatures in it.”
BOXER
Okay.
SNOWBALL
Benjamin, do you think you could try and help Boxer remember his line?
BENJAMIN
I don’t see as it could possibly make any difference, but all right.
SNOWBALL
Thank you, Benjamin. Sheep! Sheep, what are you doing?
SHEEP (all)
What a to-do, to die today.
SNOWBALL
Yes, yes, but wait ‘til your cue.
NAPOLEON (offstage)
Snowball!
NAPOLEON, a great piebald boar, marches on. SQUEALER, a pink porker, trundles in his wake.
SNOWBALL
Napoleon, our star. You’re here at last.
NAPOLEON
So, it’s true.
SNOWBALL
What is?
NAPOLEON
I heard the cat inform me that you were wearing clothes.
SQUEALER
It is sinful to wear clothes.
NAPOLEON
Naturally, I was skeptical. I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it.
SNOWBALL
Napoleon, these aren’t clothes, it’s a costume.
NAPOLEON
Oh? And what’s that?
SNOWBALL
They’re meant to resemble clothes. They represent clothes.
NAPOLEON
Represent?
SNOWBALL
Well yes. I’m meant to represent Jones, you know.
Everyone hisses, whinnies, squeals, or otherwise makes their displeasure known.
SNOWBALL
Well that is the point of the play, yes? Remember? The Fall of Jones? Someone has to play the Farmer, so you can all play the revolutionaries. Minimus, come explain to them again.
MINIMUS, a small and dapper pig, emerges.
MINIMUS
This is a recreation of our glorious victory over Jones and his cronies. We are doing this so that future generations will know why and how we fought, and why they must uphold the teachings of Animalism.
SHEEP (all)
Four legs good, two legs bad! (ad nauseum)
SNOWBALL
We’re going to show the other animals that we are as capable of greatness as the humans are, and with none of their malice.
NAPOLEON
And yet you are in clothes.
SNOWBALL
Do you see pants here, Napoleon? Or a proper shirt? (pause) Please Napoleon, Boxer is a hero and works himself to death. I want him to have a little glory for all he’s done. After that, we’ll burn this costume, just like all the other clothes.
NAPOLEON
How selfless of you.
SNOWBALL
Call it what you want. You know all your lines?
NAPOLEON
Of course.
SNOWBALL
Excellent! Minimus, you’ll be ready if anyone forgets anything?
MINIMUS
Absolutely! I could recite the whole thing in my sleep.
SNOWBALL
Outstanding. Thank you, Minimus. Benjamin! How is Boxer coming along?
BENJAMIN
He has the first two words.
SNOWBALL
That’s… something. Great, keep it up. Napoleon… what do you say? You are the star, you know.
NAPOLEON
Hmph… You say it’s just a costume?
SNOWBALL
And just this one time.
NAPOLEON
I shall remember that.
SQUEALER
It is hereby decreed that a costume is not clothing, if worn for the express purposes of a performance.
SNOWBALL
Thank you, Squealer. Is everyone ready? Places!
Several ANIMALS file in and form an audience. The performing animals also sit in the audience, or somewhere else in plain sight. The SHEEP are finally silenced at SNOWBALL’S insistence. SNOWBALL runs about offering last words to the performers, especially BOXER. After a pause, SNOWBALL takes the stage.
SNOWBALL
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to visit us today. This is a celebration of our victory over adversity, of our maturation into a self-governing body, and most especially of those who worked the hardest, fought the bravest, and gave the most so we all could stand here today and say, “We are a unique people, diverse and yet united.” Please join me in celebrating those heroes with this, The Fall of Jones.
SNOWBALL returns to sit by BOXER, and SQUEALER takes the stage.
SQUEALER
I am what is called the Prologue. Yet before we begin, I would like to say thank you to Snowball, for doing this for us.
There is cheering. SNOWBALL appears dumbstruck. Lights out, with a single spotlight on SNOWBALL. BOXER can be seen well enough, sitting next to him. BOXER is only partly paying attention. As the cheering quickly dies down…
BOXER
This strike is for all Animal kind.
SNOWBALL beams at BOXER. Lights out.
* While still in grad school, in early December, we staged our first independent Unrehearsed Shakespeare production: MacBeth. The process began in late October while I was performing my final project role for my MFA and auditing a few classes and trying (unsuccessfully) to get a job, but I was still very focused on MacBeth. I had become so focused on the details that I was more than a little surprised when, during my pre-performance pep-talk, Ashlee interrupted to thank me for putting the show together. Everybody clapped. despite my reputation for having a massive ego, I was really surprised. I’m pretty sure that was the proudest moment of my life. So far.