Delightful Crap!
Here’s more delightful crap!
Blackbeard’s Delight
Darkness. Sounds of birds chirping. Far below is heard car horns, construction, the muffled sounds of the city. Very occasionally, there may be the distant snap of a camera. These sounds continue throughout.
Lights up on a pirate ship: at the top of its mast (or at least as far up as we can see) is the unmistakable Jolly Roger. Standing at the front of the ship, his one knee up like Captain Morgan, is BLACKBEARD the Pirate in all his scurvy glory. Just behind him, resting against his broad shoulder, is JENNY THE SLAG: she is aged, scarred, patch-eyed, and missing several teeth, but may have been presentable once. Nearest them at the wheel is the PILOT, a surly bugger who doesn’t really look like he belongs here or wishes to be here. His head is bandaged with a long piece of white fabric.
The mast is a bit unusual. In fact, it’s not a mast, it’s a steel spire. The highest part of it is spattered with pigeon shit. Periodically, pigeon shit falls on the ship.
There is a deep wooden groan, and the three pirates seem to very slightly lose their balance, if only for a moment. They then resume what they were doing. Time passes.
BLACKBEARD
The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves that… How does the rest of it go?
JENNY THE SLAG
We are underlings.
BLACKBEARD
Gyar! Ye scurvy slag! No underling be I! Nay! I be the captain o’ this here vessel. There ain’t no man higher save the Devil himself! Nay, not even he! Call up your mighty flames, ye great Satan! Breathe your dragon’s breath through the impregnable salt of me everlastin’ firmament! Not e’en your seven heads nor your ten horns ‘n’ crowns could pierce the Heraclean pressure, the Ossian fortitude, the Brontosauric power o’ me ocean. My ocean! Blackbeard’s Country, they call it. Or they aught… or once they did… Aye! And that they shall again. Officiously onward we’ll sail, e’en to the ends of the Earth, the very pinnacle o’ my sea, and there (draws sword) wi’ the Devil’s own toothpick, I’ll pierce out the sacred heart o’ the Almighty, and claim his Shinin’ Firmament Above for meself! Emperor Blackbeard, Lord o’ the Two Great Seas, they’ll call me then. Onward, Pilot! Onward, I say! Yay, verily I cry to the skies, Onward!
PILOT
I heard you.
BLACKBEARD
That we might spit in the un-winking Eye o’ the Lord o’ Creation, and chasten him as once I did ol’ Scratch below, and tell that white-bearded cod-seller that his outstretch’ed promontory, this luminescent sapphire, this effulgent rock of flame and flower and fury, this Earth, be Mine! Mine alone, and I its captain and its Emperor and its God! Aye! There be God’s Eye, fleeing beneath that horizon. Onward, Pilot, fetch me God’s own Eye! Fly, I say! Fly on! Fly! (silence) Pilot—
PILOT
-This is as fast as we can go.
Silence. There is another deep wooden groan, and they are each very slightly off-balance, briefly. Time passes.
BLACKBEARD
Do ye not sense a friendly wind comin’ outta the Northeast?
PILOT
There is no wind, if there was it wouldn’t matter, and no matter what you say, this is our maximum speed. It has always been our maximum speed, and it will always be our maximum speed.
BLACKBEARD
Yar! I sense an insolent tone in yer voice, ye bilge rat.
PILOT
Well… A’right, I’m sorry. Onward we.
BLACKBEARD
Show yer Captain your proper respect, ye lesser imp, ye.
Silence. PILOT takes a deep breath.
PILOT
(pause) Yes, Captain.
BLACKBEARD
Aye, there she be. (silence. He replaces his sword) No faster, ye say?
PILOT
No. Captain. No faster.
BLACKBEARD sits upon a barrel and places JENNY THE SLAG on his lap.
JENNY THE SLAG
Ooh, time for a tumble, is it Captain?
BLACKBEARD
Nay, Jenny. The mealworms and magpies festerin’ in yer musty ol’ cannon-port no longer inspire me.
JENNY THE SLAG
‘twas your dry-rotted, splintery, meager masthead wot put’m there.
BLACKBEARD leaps to his feet, and JENNY THE SLAG falls to the ground.
BLACKBEARD
G’yar, ye slag! Dare ye be disrespectin’ yer Captain like that?
JENNY THE SLAG
Forgive me, Captain. The God of Truth is still a handsome lad, and I can’t help but bend for him.
BLACKBEARD
D’yah, ye harlot! Ye harridan! Ye’ll pay most bloody for that!
BLACKBEARD makes as if to backhand JENNY, who flees behind the PILOT.
BLACKBEARD
Get back here, ye slutty slitherin’ slag, ye!
JENNY
Help me, George!
PILOT
(overlapping with JENNY’s next line) I’m not here, I’m not here, I’m not here, (etc.)
JENNY
The Captain’s mad, George! As a hatter, he is! Oh, he’ll tell me somethin’ fierce he will, George.
BLACKBEARD
…George. George? Geoooooooooooorge now, is it? Quite familiar terms yer on with mine own slattern, ain’t ye, Geooooorge? (pause) Hm? George?
PILOT
My name is Eddy, and I just don’t… I… I don’t wanna engage, okay? The day’s almost over, just… c’mon, okay?
BLACKBEARD
Howl, ye black-hearted Jezebel! And ye! Ye… black hearted… Jeze-Bob! Fiends that would make the Devil blush. Ye’ll walk the plank for this!
PILOT
Do… You’re kidding, right?
BLACKBEARD
King Arthur o’ the Seas, I was! And ye, ye Guineverean whore; and ye, ye Lancelotian… Whore! Ye’ve slain my fiendish heart with yer treachery.
JENNY
Never, o Cap’n. I’m innocent o’ any man but ye, I swear!
BLACKBEARD
Bah!
JENNY
Prove it, Cap’n. Prove ye any wrong-doin’ on my part, and I’ll leap off that plank with a song in me heart.
PILOT
Really?
JENNY
Get away from me, ye weasel’s lunch! ‘twas him! He tried to seduce me!
BLACKBEARD
What!?
PILOT
I did not, nor have I ever—
JENNY
And when my virtue’d nary bend to his fowl demonstrations, he took me honesty by force!
BLACKBEARD
WHAT!?
PILOT
That is absolutely, one hundred percent—
BLACKBEARD
I’ll slice ye in thirds, and send ye down to the triple maw of Lucifer there to be gnawed in company with Brutus, Cassius and Judas, for the three together were one so great a traitor as thou art!
PILOT
Thou?
BLACKBEARD
I’ll point ye off that plank and hurtle ye down to the Firmament of Fire!
PILOT
The plank?
BLACKBEARD
Then I’ll sail down and conquer Hell itself, only to make meself the lord and master o’ yer all-endurin’ torment.
PILOT
You’re gonna push me off the plank?
BLACKBEARD
I’ll enslave a race o’ goblins and make your damnation their religion! There they’ll pierce and tear ye flesh, burn ye eyes, and rape your soul ‘til the End o’ Days when the Lord Almighty, which be me, calls them back to the all-consumin’ Abyss!
The PILOT lets go of the wheel and looks BLACKBEARD in the eye.
PILOT
(pause) You’re serious, aren’t you?
JENNY
O wait, cap’n! I spoke too much in haste. Don’t send him to Hell, fiend though he be. I gots mercy in me withered heart.
BLACKBEARD
Mercy for this fetid Hellhound? Impossible! … Unless… Unless… Ye duplicitous harlot!
PILOT
(returns to the wheel) Jesus. For a second there* I thought you were serious.
BLACKBEARD
*(talking over the PILOT) I’ll string yer guts from the crow’s nest, ye two-faced strumpet!
PILOT
Does anyone else think this is getting kinda old?
BLACKBEARD
But first! (draws his sword) I’ll string ye by your guts!
JENNY
No! (stands in front of PILOT) I won’t let ye!
PILOT
Okay.
JENNY
George is fine and true and a gentler man than ye’ll ever be! … And we’re in love!
PILOT
Goddammit.
BLACKBEARD
Avast!
PILOT
Finally.
BLACKBEARD
I’ll show ye—
Again, the ship groans. The ship noticeably shifts, and everyone alters their stance to stay balanced. Pause.
PILOT
I think we may actually be splitting.
JENNY
Nonsense, George. We’ve ne’er seen calmer seas.
PILOT
Well we’re not on the sea, that’s kinda my point. (another groan) Man, are the cops ever gonna come up here? I mean, somebody must have called this in… Weather copter… Wait, how did we get up here anyway?
BLACKBEARD
It matters not! –
PILOT
Does go me –
BLACKBEARD
Because I’ll plunge ye down to hell!
BLACKBEARD thrusts his sword forward, but is intercepted by JENNY, who knocks him aside and manages to find and produce a sword of her own.
JENNY
True love conquers all!
PILOT
Dear Jesus…
BLACKBEARD and JENNY cross swords. They travel greatly while in combat, and each time they move to the opposite side of the ship, groaning is heard and everyone slightly loses their balance. Several times, creaking and cracking can be heard. Pigeon shit continues to rain down.
PILOT
Guys? … Guys? … I really think the ship might be falling apart.
BLACKBEARD
I’ll never love again!
JENNY
A beast like you could never have loved at all!
PILOT
Guys! I’m getting really concerned here. Guys! GUYS!!!
As they pass by, the PILOT intercepts the two fighters. BLACKBEARD is knocked off balance, and JENNY stabs him through the guts. No one was expecting this.
Silence.
PILOT
Wow… I guess you should have quoted Romeo & Juliet.
BLACKBEARD
Jenny… How could ye?
JENNY
I did it for love, Cap’n. I swear it!
BLACKBEARD
Ay then… Then… Aye… Then I… I, then, forgive ye Jenny. And ye too George.
PILOT
Still Eddy.
BLACKBEARD
I beg ye only… In memory of the greatest pirate wot ever lived… name yer child after me.
PILOT
You want us to name our nonexistent baby Blackbeard? Fine, whatever.
BLACKBEARD
Thus, die I. Thus. Thus… Thus… (dies)
PILOT
Incredibly appropriate.
JENNY
Oh Captain! My Captain!
PILOT
Okay.
JENNY
We are lost as sea without ye!
PILOT
Jenny! We are not at sea. Now can we please focus on getting someone’s attention, so we can—
JENNY
I can bear the miscreant’s death, but I cannot live without my Captain!
PILOT
That may be going a bit far.
JENNY prepares to run herself through with her own sword.
JENNY
The deepest pits of Hell are reserved for mutineers.
PILOT
Yeah, I liked that movie too, but—
JENNY
Nay George, ye must live on!
PILOT
I intend to.
JENNY
Ye must live on to tell our tale! To let the world know that Blackbeard sought the Ocean’s End. That for a time, a little time in this great world, the expanse of that great world were in the grasp of the pirate king, Blackbeard. The world must know that ownership is slavery, and that only by the greatest freedom, can we be truly masters of aught. They must know: they need not be slave to house nor home nor fashion nor vernacular, but each and all may make the world as they see it, and speak the Word as they would hear it! Tell this world, George! Tell this world our Word!
PILOT
I have a better idea. How about—
JENNY drives the sword into her gut, screaming.
PILOT
Holy shit!
JENNY
Tell them, George. Tell the world to speak our Word.
PILOT
Fine! Fine! I’ll declare a national… talk-like-a-pirate day, but you need medical attention!
JENNY
I need my Captain, George! I sail with him.
JENNY collapses.
PILOT
Fuck.
Another groan. Another creak and crack. Silence.
PILOT
Fuck. Fuck this life. How did I… (looks over the side) Hello! Help! Heeeeeellllp! Come on; I know you can hear me! It’s not that high! Yeah! Great, just keep walking! Assholes! Aaaaaaaaasshoooooooooles!! (looks around) Fuck.
More groaning. More creaking. More cracking. Pigeon shit continues.
PILOT
How… How do I… How did I…
The groaning, creaking, and cracking is continuous, drowning out the sound of birds. The PILOT looks around in a relatively calm panic. The lights fade out. Suddenly, the ship is silent, and we hear…
PILOT
(giving up) Shiver me timbers…
We hear an immense crash, and the ship splits apart and falls off the building. We never hear it hit ground. We hear only the birds and the distant traffic.