Delightful Crap!
This is not representative of any specific day I experienced. It’s a combination of a number of experiences. Please forgive the (again) phallocentric nature, but that’s the experience I had.
He Opens a Window
Lights up on a sidewalk. It’s just after sunset, and only some of the streetlights have come on, bathing the area in a golden glow that paradoxically the provides the illusions of warmth and the wan patina of scarcity. JAKE is sitting on a blanket on the sidewalk, up against a stark, filthy, but relatively graffiti-free wall. He is dressed in business casual. An old but functional laptop computer rests in his lap, and he is industriously typing away. Presumably, he is working. He also sports a massive black eye.
Like a middle-class child trundling into the kitchen for a snack, more lights snap on. Just like that, it is officially night. And much like a cockroach caught in that metaphorical kitchen, JAKE instantly snaps to attention. He closes his laptop and puts it into a canvas shopping bag, then carefully shoves the canvas bag into a quality but filthy backpack. From out of the backpack, he pulls another canvas bag. From this canvas bag, he pulls a pair of jeans and a rumpled old jumper. JAKE looks around for a moment, then quickly strips out of his pants and into the jeans, not bothering to remove his shoes. As he is trying to pull his pants from his shoes, an older couple walks by. They don’t realize what they are seeing until they are upon him. JAKE smiles very awkwardly, as the couple does their best to pretend he isn’t there. JAKE finally gets his pants off and puts on his jeans.
He then, after looking about again, removes his shirt and tie and zips up the jumper. Jake very carefully folds his pants and shirt, rolls up his tie, and places these in the empty canvas bag. He then carefully shoves the canvas bag into his backpack. Next, from a small pocket in the backpack, he pulls a smart phone, from which he checks the time and his e-mail. He make a few quick notations and replaces the phone.
At this point, the older couple edges back on. The man has his back to JAKE, the woman is facing the man. They are clearly talking about JAKE, making occasional reference to him, but trying not to be heard by him.
JAKE uses his backpack as a pillow, wraps his small blanket around him as best he can, and beds down for the still very young night.
MAN
(To woman) I know, babe, I know.
WOMAN
(To man) Well, ask him, why don’t you?
MAN
Just let him do what he wants.
WOMAN
He has a cell phone.
MAN
I know.
WOMAN
So tell him.
MAN
I know.
WOMAN
Do it.
MAN
I will. (slowly, to JAKE) Hey. Hey son. (silence. The MAN walks over to JAKE and stands directly over him). Hey. (pause) Hey!
JAKE
(raises his head) Sorry?
MAN
Would you mind acknowledging my presence, young man?
JAKE
Okay. I’m sorry, what’s up?
MAN
What’s up? What’s up, is you’re out here begging one minute and playing on your iPhone the next.
JAKE
Sorry?
MAN
I saw you, son, on your iPhone.
JAKE
It’s actually a Samsung Galaxy. Refurbished. It’s a lot cheaper.
MAN
Whatever. Why the hell are you out here begging for our hard-earned change when all you’re doing is playing on your iPhone all day.
JAKE
I’m not begging, sir. I’m trying to sleep.
MAN
Oh. I’m sorry. Have we interrupted your beauty rest, after a hard day’s work?
JAKE
It’s not… beauty rest, sir. I’m just sleeping.
MAN
If you love that iPhone so much, why don’t you go get a job to pay for it.
JAKE
I have a job.
WOMAN
Then why are you out here pretending to be a homeless person?
JAKE
I am homeless.
WOMAN
Look at his shoes. How much did those shoes cost?
JAKE
Twenty bucks. They’re three years old.
WOMAN
Sure they are.
JAKE
Ma’am, Sir, I’m having a hard time understanding how this is any of your business, but—
MAN
Don’t talk to my wife like that.
JAKE
She engaged me, sir.
MAN
You don’t talk to her like that. My wife has a job, son. D’you understand that?
JAKE
Yes, as do I.
MAN
She gets up at six o’clock every morning to go in and earn the taxes that subsidize your lazy lifestyle, son. She paid for that iPhone you’re playing with all day.
JAKE
It’s a Samsung—
MAN
So I’d appreciate it if you, a male welfare queen, didn’t adopt such a holier-than-thou attitude. All right?
JAKE
I’m not on welfare sir; I have a job.
MAN
Then what are you doing out on the street, son?
JAKE
It’s a temp job, sir; I can’t sign a year-long lease on a three week job.
MAN
So get a real job, then.
JAKE
Do you have a job to offer me, sir?
MAN
Don’t sell your sob-story to me, young man: no one’s gonna hire a lazy—
JAKE
And there’s the sound of one hand clapping.
MAN
Don’t interrupt me, young man. Show a little respect.
JAKE
I’ll respect you when you respect me, sir.
WOMAN
Hey! You don’t talk to my husband that way.
JAKE
I didn’t want to talk to you at all!
MAN
Then don’t be begging for handouts out here while playing on your iPhone.
JAKE
I wasn’t begging, sir, I was sleeping! And before that I was working.
WOMAN
(scoffing) You were working? Out here?
JAKE
Yes. I was finishing expense reports, on my own time, so they’d be ready for work tomorrow. Then I put my eight-year-old computer away, checked my e-mail on my three-year-old Samsung Galaxy phone, and went to sleep.
MAN
Now he’s got a computer! But he doesn’t have a home.
JAKE
Do you wanna buy my eight-year-old computer for ten-thousand dollars so I can sign a year-long lease on an apartment? Then be my guest.
WOMAN
Oh boo hoo: get a roommate.
JAKE
Who’s gonna room with an unemployed person?
WOMAN
Ah hah! Now you’re unemployed?
JAKE
Well I will be in three weeks.
WOMAN
Better get your story straight, son.
JAKE
(standing) Will you two just leave me alone!
MAN
Calm down, son.
JAKE
No! I was sleeping! I was minding my own business, and then you two come up and start harassing me for begging, which I wasn’t doing, while playing on an iPhone, which I also wasn’t doing—
MAN
We saw the phone, son!
JAKE
Fine! I own a phone! You can’t get a fucking job without one!
MAN
Watch your mouth!
JAKE
I was sleeping! I just want to sleep so I can be well rested when I get up at four in the morning to get ready to not look like a homeless person, so I won’t be fired for being homeless when I go into work at six. Please! Leave me the fuck alone!
MAN
How would you like another black eye, young man?
JAKE
Oh I’d love it; may I?
The MAN punches JAKE in the other eye. JAKE knocks his head against the fall and falls down.
MAN
We were trying to help you, son.
JAKE
Fuck you!
WOMAN
Hey! You need to calm down!
JAKE
I was—
MAN
Enough! (to Woman) Some people just refuse to try. Let’s go.
WOMAN
Let’s go find a cop. (shouting back at JAKE) Drunk and disorderly!
They walk off.
JAKE
I’m not… (realized they’re not listening) I don’t even drink.
Immediately, two people subtly step onstage from the other direction. CHRISTINE and ANDRE are both dressed in business casual, bordering and professional-wear. They both look better than JAKE did at the plays opening. And of course, neither has a black eye. CHRISTINE is more heavily made up, while ANDRE girds himself with a strong air of casual confidence.
They stare at JAKE. After a moment, JAKE realizes they are there. They all stare.
Silence.
CHRISTINE
Jake?
Silence. A long silence.
JAKE
No…
Another long, super-uncomfortable silence.
CHRISTINE
I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it.
ANDRE
Well, let’s let him explain himself first. Hi, I’m Andre. I’m a friend of Christine’s. (offers a hand)
JAKE
(tentatively takes the hand) Stephenopolus.
ANDRE
Huh?
JAKE
(pause) Jake.
ANDRE
Yeah.
CHRISTINE
What are you doing out here?
JAKE
Just… ya know… writin’ poetry. Looking for inspiration.
CHRISTINE
We saw what happened. With that couple.
JAKE
Hm? Oh yeah, we’re old friends. We were just catching up, and then he decided to punch me in the face in lieu of hugging me goodbye. Pretty standard, really.
CHRISTINE
Well, it’s understandable, under the circumstances.
JAKE
Huh?
CHRISTINE
Well what would you do if some… ya know… some guy just came at you and started shouting at you and waving his arms around. It’s scary, Jake.
JAKE
I wasn’t – What?
CHRISTINE
We saw you, Jake. He shouldn’t have hit you, I know, but you have to put yourself in his shoes. You look a little…
JAKE
What?
ANDRE
Hey calm down, man, we’re just talking.
JAKE
I promise you, I am calm.
CHRISTINE
Does… Does Karen know you’re…
JAKE
She knows I come to work early every day, do my job well, and leave at quitting time. That’s all she needs to know. You’re not gonna tell her…
CHRISTINE
Well… How do you get your paychecks?
JAKE
Direct deposit.
CHRISTINE
Does this mean… were you, when we were dating, were you…
JAKE
Homeless? Is that the word you’re searching for?
CHRISTINE
Yeah.
JAKE
Yes. Four days ago, I was still homeless.
CHRISTINE
Don’t you think that’s something you should have told me?
JAKE
We went out four times. It’s kind of a sensitive subject.
CHRISTINE
I just thought you were better than that. Wait. So you were homeless when, when you were over at my place.
JAKE
Yes. When we slept together, I was also homeless.
ANDRE
Hey.
JAKE
Hey what, Andre? I just want to get some sleep so I’ll be ready for work tomorrow.
CHRISTINE
Don’t you think Karen should know that you don’t have a home?
JAKE
No, Christine, I don’t think that. Who told you I was here?
CHRISTINE
Angie said she saw you here yesterday. She saw some crazy homeless guy punch you in the eye. Then I saw your eye at work today, and…
JAKE
Yup. (pause) Please don’t tell Karen.
CHRISTINE
She’s gonna find out sooner or later.
JAKE
She doesn’t have to.
CHRISTINE
People are gonna be uncomfortable around you, Jake—
JAKE
If they find out, yes. That’s a big reason not to tell them.
Pause.
CHRISTINE
Well… I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.
JAKE
Please don’t tell Karen. Are you gonna tell her?
CHRISTINE
I – no, I’ll – I’ll see you tomorrow.
JAKE
Don’t tell her, Christine, I need this money!
ANDRE
Calm down, buddy.
JAKE
I need this job to live, buddy, forgive me if I’m slightly less than calm.
ANDRE
Where is this attitude coming from?
JAKE
You people are fucking with my life because you’re uncomfortable; that’s where this attitude is coming from.
CHRISTINE
Good night, Jake.
JAKE
Answer me, Christine.
CHRISTINE
Good night!
JAKE
Christine!
JAKE pursues CHRISTINE, but ANDRE quickly intercedes. JAKE shoves ANDRE, who then punches him. Again, JAKE knocks his head against the wall and goes down.
JAKE
God! Is this a fucking Loonie Tune!?
ANDRE
Just sit down and calm down, man.
JAKE
If I don’t have this job, I am going to starve to death. Do you understand that?
CHRISTINE
Good night, Jake.
CHRISTINE and ANDRE exit. JAKE massages his eye. After a moment, a VAGRANT sneaks on, kicks JAKE viciously in the stomach, and steals his backpack. JAKE manages to lurch after him and grab the backpack, and they fight over it.
JAKE
Help! Christine! Help!
The VAGRANT kicks JAKE in the groin. JAKE relinquishes the backpack, but a pair of COPS enter and stop the VAGRANT from fleeing.
COP 1
Whoa! What’s goin’ on here?
VAGRANT
Yeah, um, thank God; that guy was tryin’ to steal my bag.
JAKE
It’s my bag, goddammit. This guy kicked me in the stomach, and –
COP 1
Sir, I’m gonna need you to calm down.
JAKE
I don’t – Fine. My phone, my computer, and my work clothes are in that backpack, just let me open it.
COP 1
There’s no need for the attitude, sir. Let’s just get you both down to the precinct and get both your stories, you can have a place to sleep for the night, we’ll let you out after twenty-four hours when everything’s calmed down.
JAKE
No. No, I cant – I have to be at work tomorrow. If I miss work, they’ll let me go.
COP 1
Sir, if you have work tomorrow, I’m sure you can call and let them know you’ll miss a day.
JAKE
I’m just a temp: they’ll cut me loose if I don’t show up. I just wanna sleep and go to work. Gimme my backpack.
COP 1
Sir, calm down.
JAKE
I am calm!
COP 2 pulls a pistol and aims it at JAKE.
COP 2
Back away and calm down!
JAKE
I’m not doing any—
COP 2 fires into JAKE’S shoulder. JAKE, again, goes down.
JAKE
Holy fucking god!
COP 2
A’right, we’re taking you both in.
COP 2 produces a pair of handcuffs and arrests JAKE.
COP 1
(to VAGRANT) Sorry sir, you gotta come down to the station with us and fill out some paper work. You can decide there if you wanna press charges.
VAGRANT
Long as I get my bag back, I’m fine.
JAKE lies down and starts crying. With his good arm, he tries to grab his blanket and hug it to himself.
JAKE
I just wanna sleeeeep…
COP 2
Sir, let’s go. I will drag you all the way to the car, sir.
JAKE is sobbing now. COP 2 drags JAKE offstage as COP 1 guides the VAGRANT off. CHRISTINE and ANDRE surreptitiously sneak back on.
CHRISTINE
Can you believe that?
ANDRE
Unbelievable.
CHRISTINE
I don’t get it. Some people just can’t live responsibly.
ANDRE
Hey! I got an idea. Let’s go get drunk.
CHRISTINE
Okay.
They exit.
Lights fade out.