SOCIAL STATEMENT!
An irksome experience on tonight’s ride home on the El prompted me to post this one.
We Don’t Need No Education
Lights up on STELLA, sitting on a couch at a party. “Brick In The Wall” is playing on a loop. STELLA is bored out of her mind. After a moment, a shambling zombie lumbers by. Unlike your fancy Hollywood zombies, this one is in relatively good shape, and has a plastic funnel stuck in its head. STELLA doesn’t even glance at it, as it shambles by.
Times passes.
Another zombie limps past. This one stops about three-quarters of the way, and holds up a small bottle of drain cleaner. The zombie pours some drain cleaner into its funnel, wobbles a bit, and shambles off. STELLA watches this one a little, but doesn’t show much interest.
Time passes.
Another zombie, a SLOUCHER enters, a bit awkwardly, but seemingly still cognizant. The SLOUCHER collapses on the couch and glances over at STELLA. STELLA glances back, they catch each others’ eyes, and share a brief smile. They look away.
Several zombies enter. One of them produces a slightly larger container of drain cleaner and pours it into another’s funnel. The other zombies start moaning in rhythm, coming to a fever-head as the drain cleaner finishes pouring in. The zombie receiving the drain cleaner slowly lifts its arms in the air and offers a victorious howl, soon mirrored by the others. The zombies all shamble off, except for one STRAGGLER who starts eying STELLA.
STELLA is already aware of the STRAGGLER and is doing her damnedest to will it away. Unfortunately, the STRAGGLER keeps sidling closer, and closer, then sits down on an arm of the chair. STELLA shifts her weight away, but still tries to ignore the STRAGGLER. The STRAGGLER rests an arm on the couch, around STELLA but not touching her, then slowly leans in closer. Just before touching, The STRAGGLER opens its jaws and starts gnawing on STELLA’S skull.
STELLA
Nope!
STELLA slides away, but the STRAGGLER is persistent and pursues her. STELLA tries, still gently, to remove and dissuade the STRAGGLER.
STELLA
That’s not for you. Nope. Please stop. I’m asking nicely, get off me. (finally) Fuck off!
The STRAGGLER groans in a flash of whimpering hurt feelings, then the hollow echoes of fury are reflected in its next moan.
SLOUCHER
Hey! … Fuck off!
The SLOUCHER stands up, and the STRAGGLER backs away. The STRAGGLER offers a pale imitation of the bird, then exits. The SLOUCHER collapses on the couch again.
STELLA
Thanks.
SLOUCHER
Sure.
Silence.
STELLA
How long you been here?
SLOUCHER
Two hours.
STELLA
Really? You seem pretty… cognizant.
SLOUCHER
(produces a small bottle of brain cleaner and tips a small amount into its funnel) Moderation.
STELLA
Ah. Nice. Good. (silence) It pisses me off that zombies only listen to other zombies. I think I made it pretty damn clear that I didn’t want my brain gnawed on, yes?
SLOUCHER
Sure.
STELLA
And yet there he was, using me like a chew toy until you – a zombie – got up and told him to leave, then all of a sudden it all makes sense, and he goes. Because you said so.
SLOUCHER
No agency granted.
STELLA
Exactly. Exactly. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect others to respect my body and myself.
SLOUCHER
Totally reasonal.
STELLA
Sorry, I don’t mean to dump all this on you. I know you were just trying to help. And you did help. It’s just a shitty situation.
SLOUCHER
Shitty world.
STELLA
Well. Sometimes. Yeah.
SLOUCHER
Sometimes. Yeah.
Silence. The SLOUCHER holds out its bottle and offers it to STELLA.
STELLA
No thanks.
SLOUCHER
A little?
STELLA
I don’t. I don’t pour.
Pause.
SLOUCHER
At all?
STELLA
(barely suppressing a sigh) Nope.
Pause.
SLOUCHER
Why not?
STELLA
(pretending to choose her words carefully) I don’t know how to answer that without upsetting you.
SLOUCHER
Try me.
STELLA
(again. A pause) I appreciate that you are an adult and, normally, can hear an opinion on something without taking it personally. But you’re asking me to comment on a habit that you yourself partake in. If I tell you how I really feel about it, you’re going to take it personally. And if I sugarcoat it, then it’s going to seem like an insufficient argument. So I’d really rather just say I’m not interested, and leave it at that.
SLOUCHER
(moves closer) Just tell me.
STELLA
Promise me you won’t snap at me.
SLOUCHER
Promise.
STELLA
I understand that this is just a way of having fun, for you. It’s just a way to relax, at least that’s what I always hear. And yeah, there are obvious long-term effects on your body, but that’s your own problem. If you wanna poison yourself, you go right ahead. But you are, by your own admission, not in control of your faculties when that stuff’s on your brain. You’re abdicating thought and responsibility, and if something bad happens, well you couldn’t really do anything. A half-assed apology and everyone sits and waits for the next time.
SLOUCHER
(a hit of skepticism, masquerading as an open mind) Okay.
STELLA
And really, I don’t usually go to these things anyway. But if I don’t go to these things, everyone says I’m an asshole. So I started going to these parties, literally just sitting on a couch, staring into space for a couple hours. Doing nothing. Talking to no one. And now, all of a sudden, I’m such an amazingly nice person. Everyone loves me. I don’t even drive people home. I just sit here an hour or two, and leave.
SLOUCHER
(helps himself to another quick pour) Okay.
STELLA
And I’m willing to grant that it’s at least possible to consume drain cleaner in moderation. I mean, other countries do it, or so I hear. But this isn’t just about getting plastered, or the poison it is, or what people do because drain cleaner makes it okay. I think drain cleaner has just infested every aspect of our culture. I cannot go a day without hearing about drain cleaner as the primary source of fun, of friendship, of… just… living. And if that’s true, if your lives are really so fucking horrible that you need to coat your brains in fuzzy poison in order to eek out another day… every single one of you… then there is something goddamn wrong with your lives, and that needs to be fixed, and drain cleaner is not gonna fix it. I’ll spare you the usual Marx reference.
SLOUCHER
(another pour) Mm.
STELLA
It’s just fucking infuriating. Drain cleaner is a universal punch line. And everyone just snickers like they’re doing something naughty, like they’ve got their hand in the cookie jar, but there is no cookie jar. Everyone does it. All the time. It’s not brave, or brash, or outré, or rebellious. Nothing could be more… bourgeois than drain cleaner. But everyone tells themselves they’re a fucking rebel. Well Mickey Mouse is more rebellious these days than drain cleaner.
SLOUCHER
Hmm…
STELLA
God, just the smug, self-satisfied, goofy, pretentious, snotty, ubiquitous stupidity of it all is maddening. And it is ev-er-y-where! I mean, I’m stuck at this party, but I’m not really stuck at this party. I can get up and leave, but where am I gonna go? It’s on billboards, it’s on TV twenty-four-hours a fucking day. You can’t talk more than three minutes without it coming up; it’s worse than the weather. I can not escape it. It teaches you to seek out oblivion. It teaches you that thinking is something to be anesthetized. It teaches you that there is no greater reward or ambition than inhibiting the one thing that elevates us above the other animals. And if you think we’re the same as all the other animals, or that cognizance is something to be destroyed, then just knock you brain out with a mallet and go live in the woods, but I don’t believe for a moment that anyone believes that. They’re all just a horde of fucking cowards who refuse to turn those piercing stares in the goddamn mirror.
Silence.
STELLA
Thanks for listening.
SLOUCHER
Unnnnnnngh…
Pause.
STELLA
I’m sorry. It’s my fault: I wasn’t really listening to you. If I had been, I would have realized much earlier that you have no fucking clue what I’m saying. I judged you for being here, even though I’m here too. Sorry.
The SLOUCHER lurches forward and tries to gnaw STELLA’S skull. STELLA stands.
STELLA
Hokay. Well. G’night.
STELLA starts off, but is intercepted by another zombie.
STELLA
Hey. Yeah, I just, I got a real bad headache, and I gotta be up early tomorrow anyway. Thanks so much, though. I’ll see ya soon, okay? Bye.
STELLA exits. The SLOUCHER lies down on the couch and moans.
Lights out.