Revolution!
This’n’s a personal favorite.
Pennies From Heaven
An enormous crash is heard. Lights up on a street at late morning. Traffic noises abounds, and car horns doubly so. At CS is a huge table: its DSL-most leg has been broken off has scattered far DSL. It’s USL-most leg is crumpled and buckled, but remains in pace. The table has a huge crack in the middle, but has not yet bent or folded. Shattered glass is everywhere.
PAULA and ASH are in the middle of the street, their hands on the table. PAULA, SR, has one hand on the table and another on a busted-up shopping cart, containing various clothing items, bottles, an old lunch box, and an extra-large plastic bag filled with junk food. ASH, SL, is using a partially crushed newspaper dispenser as a chair. Both PAULA and ASH are dressed in winter gear, though nothing else suggests it is too terribly cold.
PAULA
(simultaneously with ASH) You best get the fuck offa my table; Imma kick you inna goddamn knees til they break off!
ASH
Get the fuck outta here! Get the fuck outta here! Get the fuck outta here! Get the fuck outta here!
KATE, a paralegal, enters
KATE
Hey. Hey! Hey! (pause) Hi, what’s goin’ on?
ASH
This bitch wanna steal my table.
PAULA
Fuck you, bitch; this table fell outta the sky, and I grabbed it first; it’s mine.
ASH
Get the fuck outta here!
KATE
Hey guys! This table actually belongs to Kohan & Spangler, up on the thirty-eighth floor.
ASH
What d’you want with a broken table?
KATE
Well yeah, it wasn’t broken, but then one of our ad execs, kinda… shoved it out a window. It was pretty cool.
PAULA
A’right, but it’s broke now. Whatcha gonna do with a broken table.
KATE
Well, what do you want with a broken table?
PAULA
(obviously) It’s gonna be winter soon.
KATE
(pause) What does that have to do with anything?
ASH
It’s a shelter from the snow. You ever tried to sleep under a wedged-up dumpster?
KATE
Oh… well… I mean, we obviously don’t need it anymore, but—
PAULA
I grabbed this thing first, and now that asshole’s tryin’ to steal it.
ASH
You ain’t draggin’ this thing nowhere by yourself.
KATE
Okay, well, the police should be here soon, so—
ASH
No, we gotta take this thing before the police get here. They’re gonna drag it off to dump or something, and then neither of us get it.
KATE
Neither of you can have it until a police report’s been filed.
Pause. KATE puts a hand on the table. Everyone looks around anxiously. KATE quickly realizes that she has to urinate.
ASH
A’right, where you live?
PAULA
Down by 23rd and State.
ASH
What!? You ain’t gonna drag a table all that way! Whatchu even doin’ up here? I’m just five blocks away, let’s go my way.
PAULA
Fuck you!
ASH
If we don’t get this table outta here now, ain’t neither of us gonna get it.
KATE
You’re not moving this table!
ASH starts dragging the table SL. PAULA immediately counters SR, and KATE tries to keep the table where it is. They all struggle futilely for a few seconds before giving up.
KATE
Look. Neither of you is going to let the other one take the table. You’re just gonna scream at each other like children until the police get here. So just relax; when the police file their report, I will talk to the garbage guys and see if we can’t get this moved near where you… live.
PAULA
Where who live?
ASH
It don’t matter! She don’t give a shit what happens to this table! She just tryin’ to make us go away. And even if she did care, ain’t no garbage man gonna give a shit what happens to us. She just waitin’ for the cops to get here, so she can use them to scare us off.
PAULA
Then lemme take the table.
ASH
You ain’t gonna make it all the way down to 23rd and State!
KATE
Exactly. Just wait.
ASH
Please! Let’s take it back to me, and we can fight about it there.
Pause.
PAULA
It’s got a big crack in the middle. Maybe we can bust it in half.
ASH
I dunno. But we can’t stay here.
Long pause. PAULA moves over to ASH, and they begin dragging the table SL.
KATE
Hey. Hey! Hey! (moves SR and counters) Stop it. Stop it! Stop it! Help! Somebody help! These two… people are stealing my table!
PAULA
Ain’t nobody gonna help you! You screamin’ like a crazy person!
KATE
You’re the fuckin’ crazy person! What are you gonna do with a giant table?
PAULA
Keep the snow off our heads! What are you gonna do with it?
KATE
Fill out… the goddamn… police report!
KATE is losing this battle. No one is coming to help. Slowly, the table is dragged SL.
KATE
I need… this is important! This is important!
KATE runs over to the center of the table and pounds furiously on the crack. The table shudders and cracks nearly in two. KATE rushes back, and the pulling finishes separating the table into two parts.
KATE
Okay!? One for you, one for me. Now fuck off!
Pause. PAULA and ASH look at each other.
PAULA
Good luck.
ASH
You too.
PAULA rushes over, shoulders KATE aside, and starts dragging half the table SR. ASH continues dragging his half SL. KATE runs toward ASH, hesitates, and looks back and forth between her adversaries. She runs back and forth, trying to fight each, but cannot make a decision. She screams in frustration. KATE runs over to PAULA’S shopping cart and knocks it over, spilling the refuse all over. She kicks the refuse about, swearing viciously. KATE picks up some of the refuse and throws it at PAULA. She then decides to commit against PAULA and grabs the other side of her table-half. ASH is now offstage, his half of the table gone.
After a moment, ASH sneaks back onstage. He sneaks behind KATE, suddenly grabs one leg and slips one of her heels off.
ASH
Good luck!
PAULA
You too!
ASH runs offstage left. KATE tries to pursue, but is quickly hobbled by having one heel. She takes off her other heel and hurls it offstage after ASH.
KATE
Fuck you! Fuck you!
KATE tries to pursue, but is quickly reminded of the shattered glass all over the ground. She carefully steps back to the remaining table-half, but her ability to struggle is greatly hampered by her lack of shoes. She screams in frustration again and lets go. PAULA continues to drag her table-half offstage.
KATE
Oh, nobody help or anything! I’m perfectly fine! Don’t worry about me! Just ignore me and go about your day like I’m fucking invisible! Fuck!
KATE is unsure what to do. As the lights fade out, we hear police sirens in the very far distance, mixing quietly with the sounds of traffic, car-horns prevailing.