Delightful Crap!
The challenge for this play was, “Write the worst play possible.”
I have yet to write for Drekfest. I should try it, but I’m slightly unnerved that the worst and best plays in modern popular culture are both so strongly predicated on irony. I find it… … … … ironic.
Anyway, in light of all the heavy stuff goin’ on lately, here’s a light piece of crap.
Vampire Jesus Versus Zombie Hitler III: The Jeezening Continues
Lights up on our lord and savior JESUS, restrained in garlic-powdered silver cords by MISSY and SISSY, the zombie Nazi cheerleaders. Some badass Wagner is playing, but not Flight of the Valkyrie, cause that’s a cliché.
JESUS
Release me, you unnatural hags!
MISSY
Never, Jesus. We are restraining you for our master, the Fuhrer.
SISSY
And also, we know your weakness.
MISSY
We know your secret.
JESUS
You fools!
SISSY
We know that you are no ordinary Jesus.
MISSY
You are…
KISSY walks in, leading a GIRL behind her. The GIRL is tied up and being led by a leash, kinda S&M-ish, but in a tasteful way.
KISSY
A vampire Jesus!
JESUS
No! It’s not true! It’s impossible!
KISSY
Behold!
KISSY shoves the girl down in front of JESUS.
KISSY
Are you weak, Lord? Drained? Do you not smell her pure blood, untainted by embalming fluid? The blood is the life, Lord.
JESUS
Yet thou shalt not drink the blood.
KISSY
Except your own, Lord, and that is what we desire. Your blood… Poor, foolish Messiah. You thought that by killing our Fuhrer, you could wipe out the zombie Nazi movement, but in stead you have made us stronger. You have given us a purpose.
JESUS
I will not give you my blood! I will not let you resurrect your leader again!
KISSY
Foolish Messiah. We do not seek merely to resurrect the Fuhrer. We seek to resurrect…
FISSY enters. She is a zombie Nazi scientist cheerleader. She is super smart, but still sexy, in a zombie way.
FISSY
The Uber-Fuhrer. This box (she holds up a small metal box) contains the DNA of the world’s most evil men: Genghis Khan, Jack the Ripper, Emperor Palpatine, the list goes on, all of them subordinate to the will of our glorious Fuhrer. We need only apply your blood, and this Uber-Fuhrer shall be reborn: A Zombie Hitler more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
JESUS
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
KISSY
Yes! Yes! YES!!! Now feed on this girl. Then you will be impure, and have no choice but to obey us!
JESUS
I won’t do it! No!
KISSY
Yes!
JESUS
NO!
KISSY
YES!!
JESUS
NOOO!!!
JESUS breaks free of MISSY and SISSY’S restraints. He knocks their heads together, and they “woop-woop-woop” to the ground. FISSY prances away, cause she’s a doctor and doesn’t know how to fight. KISSY jumps away and hisses like a vampire, even though she’s a zombie, cause she’s actually a zombie-vampire, but we don’t find that out until later. JESUS extends his hands toward the GIRL and shouts “Walk free of thy restraints,” and the GIRL’S free and can move and MISSY and SISSY get up and FISSY joins them and it’s time to fight.
JESUS
Sorry, Kissy. Looks like this won’t be my Last Supper!
KISSY
Get them!
The zombies attack. The GIRL fights with wu shu, JESUS with krav magaw. The zombies finally retreat.
KISSY
We’ll be back with lasers!
They run away.
GIRL
That was metal as fuck, Jesus.
JESUS
(stares at GIRL’S neck) You’ve been cut.
GIRL
Oh?
She runs her fingers along her neck, tracing the blood around. JESUS is transfixed, and he can hear the pumping of her blood. His fangs come out, and she gasps in fear.
JESUS
The blood thou shalt not drink.
GIRL
No, it’s okay. You saved my life. I’ll give myself to you.
JESUS
No! It’s not right. It’s not right!
GIRL
Okay. Let’s get out of here.
JESUS
Wait! You haven’t even told me your name.
GIRL
It’s Mary.
JESUS
My mother’s name was Mary.
GIRL
I know.
JESUS
I know.
The zombies rush back in.
KISSY
Now we have lasers!
They fire their lasers. JESUS and MARY run all through the theater, trying to get away, but MARY gets shot.
MARY
Ah! I got shot! (she falls)
JESUS
You shall be healed.
KISSY
What will you do, Jesus? You don’t have time to heal her and save yourself! That is why you will always fail. It is the nature of the holy to stop and heal, to put others before themselves, but we have science! We know to put ourselves first like the animals do, and so our master race will always win, because of natural selection. It is the rational solution.
JESUS
Pride goeth before the fall.
KISSY
Then you must be pride, cause you got to go.
KISSY aims as JESUS knees over MARY. A white light fills the room and holy music is heard.
MARY
By His power, I am healed!
KISSY
Stop staring and shoot them!
SISSY
No! I see the light now! (she knocks the lasers out of their hands)
MISSY
We don’t have lasers anymore!
FISSY
Sheiz!
KISSY
Sissy, what are you doing?
SISSY
What’s right! (she joins JESUS) The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want… brains!
JESUS
You see now, Kissy, that faith will always overpower reason.
KISSY
Yes, you’re right! I see it now! I see the light!
She runs up and kneels before JESUS.
KISSY
Can you ever forgive me, Lord, for all my sins?
FISSY
What are you doing, mein Fuhresse?
KISSY
Sshhh! O Lord, forgive me!
JESUS
Through my father, all is forgiven.
JESUS tries to put his hand on her head, but KISSY jumps up and sinks her fangs into MARY, who screams. KISSY pulls away and retreats and MARY falls to the ground.
JESUS
No! Mary!
MARY
I’ll be fine, Jesus. Save yourself.
JESUS
How did you do that? You’re a zombie, not a vampire.
FISSY
Our Uber-Fuhrer is not the only hybrid I’ve devised.
KISSY
Yes! I am both zombie and vampire, and stronger than both. And that’s not all: I was the one who first gave you the curse of the vampire!
JESUS
(points at her) You!
KISSY
That’s right. Dwell on that, Prince of Peace! Farewell!
KISSY and FISSY and MISSY run away, and KISSY’S evil laughter is heard all over, even over the PA. JESUS starts to run after them, but MARY moans and he comes back.
MARY
Please, leave me Jesus. You’ve got to stop them. You deserve your revenge.
SISSY
Yes, leave me and Mary’s brains alone together. We’ll be fine.
MARY
I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I love you, Jesus.
JESUS
Mary, my love is as boundless as the sea, and as deep. The more I give to thee, the more I have, because they are both infinite.
MARY
I was never very good at math problems.
JESUS
Ha ha hah. Goodbye, Mary.
MARY
Goodbye, Jesus. What a friend I had in you. (she dies)
JESUS
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MAAAAAAAARRYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
SISSY
I’m sorry, Jesus.
JESUS
I forgive you. I think it’s my curse, to forgive everything. Sometimes it’s a bigger curse than being a vampire. But I guess that’s my cross to bear.
SISSY
Ha ha hah.
A siren goes off.
SISSY
Oh no! It’s the self-destruct sequence. They’re going to destroy the Techno-Reich!
JESUS
We’ve got to get out of here!
SISSY
But how!?
Lights out.
VOICE
Find out next time, in Vampire Jesus Versus Zombie Hitler Four: Return of the Werewolf!
END